Avian Mass Suicide in Arkansas

I was trying to wait until Friday to make an official statement, but last night I saw Kirk Cameron on Coop/360 explaining that mass animal deaths are more of a pagan apocalyptic omen, not a Christian one. He said the rapture in the Bible (Bible, bible, bible, you will read the Bible) doesn’t mention a flock of blackbirds dropping dead en masse. 

……. 

Clearly this Arkansas blackbird conspiracy must be addressed immediately, before the Wal-Marts of Middle America are flooded with people stocking up on bullets and Doritos for the end of the world.

Here’s what happened. Just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, thousands of blackbirds fell from the sky in Beebe, Arkansas. The cause of death was said to be blunt trauma in mid-air, blood clots and internal hemorrhaging, but toxicology test results and the official cause won’t be available for at least a month (after we’ve forgotten all about this). Most agree that something startled the flock, perhaps fireworks, that caused them to become disoriented and fly into houses, each other and the ground.

120 miles away in Roseville, 100,000 dead fish washed ashore. 95 percent of the fish were one species, so scientists are suggesting that disease is the cause. Some fish who were sick but still alive were sent for testing.

The official causes of death being released to the media are the fish died from a species-specific disease, and the birds became startled, flew into everything and died. Sounds like a bunch of bullshit, right?

I think Alex Jones is kind of a loud-mouthed stooge, but he was one of the first to offer a different theory. He blames secret government testing and references the 1977 Senate hearings, which revealed that the US government contaminated 239 citieswith biological agents between 1949 and 1969. This sounds like a plausible explanation, especially if you read the CF article about the living goo that covered the town of Oakville, Washington.

John Fitzpatrick, director of Cornell University’s Ornithology Lab, has a meteorological theory. Although there were no reports of a thunderstorm over Beebe at the time, Fitzpatrick suggests that arandom thunderstorm might have formed over the flock, sucked the birds into its cyclone then spat them out all over the ground. 

Most of my own research points to government involvement. Even though Roseville and Beebe are over 120 miles from each other, both towns are within 20 miles of military bases, specifically air force bases (Arrowhead Assault Strip and the Little Rock Air Force Base). The government is most likely testing some horrific biological or chemical agent on the lovely animals and hardworking people of Arkansas.

The only thing that keeps nagging at my mind is the bird autopsy reports that say the birds died of blunt trauma in midair. I can only think of one incident where a bird dropped out of the sky, and the cause of death was blunt trauma…it happened in Signs when the bird flew into a spaceship that had its invisibility shield activated. So perhaps the aliens have arrived, and they’re silently hovering over a tiny backwoods town in Arkansas like looming, invisible giants. And they probably think our little bird theories are hilarious.